Growth of love, such an intangible concept, can’t be grasped, can’t be contained, can’t be measured, can’t be fixed, can’t be returned, can’t be turned off, can’t be turned on.
The thing is you will almost always know when it is there. When you and another one have found it you will know as they won’t be able to give up, they too will have a drive to see you, to understand you, to be what you have always wanted, and to be your everything.
Life isn’t meant to be easy and while I’ve shared some of my troubles earlier, I have to thank my love for her communication this weekend. It has been a tough time the past bit here and I’ve gotten rather bruised from the interactions and honestly, have grown very tired of it. I’ve been trying to converse with Erica about this and I realized in writings these that I have to communicate my needs to Erica. You can’t really tell someone what not to do, and not tell them what you want them to do. One of the reasons why they might be doing what you don’t want them to do is because they don’t know what they could do instead. I must admit, I was a bit scared that Erica didn’t care anymore and wouldn’t want to see it halfway, but, she’s still here and because she started to talk about it. She has told me about the families history, asked me to be the bank (and not just the financial side of things, but for medicine as she has a bit of an addictive personality), and growing to the idea that we can have our own things to do from time to time.
That last thing is very subtle and difficult to explain. More or less, even though Erica is fiercely independent, she is also fiercely dependent in that she doesn’t feel very sure of herself or could just be the trust she felt between her and I. In this she didn’t really even try to understand my "me" time or the effect of my dreams, my desires, my inspiration. She is now giving me a little bit of that personal time that I want to work on my stuff and I love it. It’s a little different, not wanting to work on your own stuff because you don’t want to get in the way of your loved one. Realizing that separating yourself from you will never work, and then once communicated, your lover hears and responds. It was awesome.
One thing I must work on is how I communicate a difference of opinion or even a difference of understanding of information or fact. Erica gets rather sure of something and telling her otherwise is difficult. Choose my battles. There may be a day when I have to agree that the sky is orange, but, I guess I can take that and be okay with it. So long as I don’t ever have to agree with a lie about myself, I will be okay with this. I even said as much and Erica agreed, but, my competitive nature and over-thinking brain doesn’t help when you have someone that isn’t ready to debate or think everything into ad infinitum. Who really wants to debate that much? I guess I can try to choose my debates a little better too. More personal time? I wonder how I can use that?